Yep, it was a negative.  I’m still not over it & it’s been a week since I tested.  What’s worse, I couldn’t curl up in bed & cry all day.  I had to fucking work- all weekend long, even on Mother’s Day.  I had a horrible day, but I knew it was coming.  You see, I wasn’t gonna test until Sunday of last week.  If only my willpower was that strong.  I broke down & tested on Wednesday & it was negative.  I knew then it was over, but I let myself believe that it could be too early.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

I wonder if it’s ever gonna happen for me.  I know that I am extremely lucky to have Shelby & I don’t take her for granted.  I just have this longing to have more children & it breaks my soul that I can’t do this.  I’m on a break til August- the damn IUI is so expensive & my shitty insurance doesn’t cover it.  I just hate that this is my life now.  I have to worry about so much crap- I just wish I could get pregnant the easy way.

I’m on birth control for the first time in 4 years & it’s weird.  I know there’s no way I’d get pregnant, but I’ve got to level out my hormones while I save up money for another IUI.  Hopefully the second time will work.  If not, I’ll save up & try again.  Dr. Martin will let us try the IUI six times before we need to go to IVF.  If we get to that point, I guess we’re out.  It’s so freakin expensive & there’s no way we could afford it.

On other note, I’m trying to secure funding for nursing school but I’m also concerned that I won’t get in.  Last year, they had 32 applicants & only accepted 13.  They didn’t even take half.  My only saving grace (barring finding out what the average GPA of the class is…) is that I’m taking Spanish this summer.  They give you special consideration if you know Spanish, so I’m making a concerted effort to learn it.  I’ve filled out my FAFSA for last year so I can get federal money for this summer.  I’m also gonna have to work full time if I do get in to the nursing program because my credit sucks & I can’t get private loans- and no one will cosign for me.

I’m very depressed about that- but I’ll get over it.  I’ll prove to everyone I can do it because I want too….. & I don’t need their damn help anyways.  Well I’m off to bed- I have to work at Wellsco tomorrow.  Damn Florida office, but at least I’ll have tons of money for Jersey………….

I got all excited earlier this year about going back to school.  So much so that I busted my ass in Stats & believe that I got an A (grades don’t come out til tomorrow…) & I’m signed up for Spanish I & II this summer.  All of this so that I can hopefully get into the Nursing Program this fall.  When everything is so close- I get devastating news.

You see, my credit sucks balls.  I lost my job a few years ago & even though I’ve been working steady for over 2 years now- I’m still climbing out of that hole.  During this time, well some things just don’t get paid on time.  When I have to choose between eating & bills- eating wins.  I pay my bills, just not so promptly as I used to.  I have all of my credit cards with Consumer Credit & I will be CC debt free in June 2010.  I make a monthly payment of $684 bucks- but my interest rates were greatly reduced & my balances just keep going down.  I wish I wouldn’t have been such a dumbass with the credit cards, but you live & you learn.

I bet you’re wondering why I went in to all that- it’s simple.  I need to take out student loans to pay for school.  I have to not only pay for the program, but have enough extra money to live off of while I’m in the program.  I can’t work & I can’t make it without my income.  See my conundrum?

So, I talked with Financial Aid at ASU the other day.  I can get up to $19,000 in federal loans- which don’t go buy your credit score.  I need another $25K to live off of for that year.  That has to come from private loans.  Now, the shitty credit score comes into play.  I have to have a cosigner to qualify for the loans.  (I know this because I applied to 2 different places & I was denied…..)  I asked my inlaws if they would cosign for me.  This is where things got a little ugly…

I can’t ask my mom because she doesn’t have a job.  The factory she worked at closed 2 years ago & she’s been in school ever since.  Even though she has a stellar credit score, she won’t cosign because she basically has no income.  So it’s my inlaws or no school for me.  When I asked them, they said no.  I explained that they would in no way be responsible for the loan (meaning I would pay it back & not default) & that I wouldn’t have to begin paying on it til after graduation- when I had a good nursing job.  My mother in law was still hesitant- so I just knew that explaining how much I wanted this wasn’t gonna matter.

My dad is not an option & I know of no one else that can cosign.  So, my dream of continuing my education is basically over.  I’ve tried so hard to better myself by doing this & now it’s being denied to me.  I really fucked up by not doing better the first time around.  I should’ve studied harder & applied myself more.  If I would’ve done that- I’d be a doctor right now.  I have to accept the fact I fucked up & blew my only chance for school & I’ll never be able to go back.

I’m stuck in this horrible job that I hate with no way out.  I guess I’ll start looking for another job.  Here I sit with a worthless degree I’m still paying for & nothing to show for it.  I’m so damn disappointed in myself.  I had an amazing opportunity & blew it.  This is my punishment.  Well, I’m off to find a job- hopefully one that pays in the double digits so I can stop humilating myself by working 2 jobs……….

That’s how my hands feel.  I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome.  Sitting at a computer all day long is not helping the long term help of my wrists & hands.  Unfortuately, I also had this when I was pregnant with Shelby.  I would wake up every morning with numb fingers & it would take quite awhile for them to get feeling again.  I would also have it off & on during the day.

Seriously, I told myself that I wasn’t gonna obsess about being pregnant.  If it happens, we’d be overjoyed- if not, we’ll try again.  I think I’ll take a couple of months off to save up some more money (infertility treatments are expensive when your insurance sucks ass…) & give Jonathan time to try some new vitamins that would boost his count & morphology & motility.  But to be honest, I think about being pregnant every damn day.  I really want this- hell I have for 4 years now.  I just don’t know what to do to take my mind off of it.

How do I do it?  How do I not be disappointed when I get that negative next week.  Yes, I said a negative next week.  I just don’t think that I’m gonna be pregnant.  It hasn’t happened in 4 years, why would it work now?!   I still have some IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms), but some of the good ones have went away.  No more sore boobs or blue veins on them.  Maybe I was just imagining that to begin with.  Who knows.

I’m not very positive & I just don’t know why I’ve changed my mind.  I guess if I’m not expecting it, it just won’t hurt as bad when the inevitable result comes next week.  I’m determined for it not to get me down.  Next Sunday is Mother’s Day & I’m lucky that I get to celebrate that wonderful day.  There are so many deserving women who don’t get that day & they should.  I hurt for them because I understand the wanting & longing they feel for something they can’t have.

I was on Peach earlier today reading some of the women’s birth stories.  I want so badly to post one of those soon.  I started crying because I think that day will never come.  I’ll never get to experience carrying a child again.  I’m not gonna stop trying, but at what point to you just face the facts?  I don’t know, but I’m afraid I might find out…….

the more you eat the more you toot. Well, apparently that’s my motto. I cannot stop farting- I know real freakin classy huh? I can’t help it. It doesn’t matter what I eat, I’m farting up a storm all day long. It sucks major ass too. I mean I know it’s a natural body function, but I hate to be gassy. Makes me feel all bloated & shit. I’m also constipated as a murf- so that just compounds the issue (literally).

These are common EPS’s, once again there I go getting my hopes up. Last night I was scouring the internet for lists of EPS’s. I love the one that says missed period- duh really? Did they know that other things can cause missed periods? I do, because I happen to have PCOS. I can go for months without a period (& have- i.e. last year….) & unfortunately I’m not knocked up. The best EPS is- drum roll please- a BFP. No shit! Really, I never thought peeing on a pregnancy test & it being positive would mean I’m pregnant. Thanks for that update!!!

Just for shits & giggles, I’m gonna list some of the EPS’s I found & then tell you if I have them. Just another way for imagine that I’m pregnant……

Missed Period

Haven’t gotten there yet

Just “Feeling” Pregnant

Sorta, but not really. Because I keep trying to convince myself I’m not so I’m not so disappointed

Breast Tenderness

- Yes, oh my god yes

Fatigue

- I want to sleep 24/7

Frequent Urination

- I’ve peed 4 times today & haven’t been awake for 3 hours yet….

Nausea

- I did gag the other morning while brushing my teeth, something I did frequently with Shelby & my second pregnancy

Dizziness and/or Fainting

- I got dizzy the other day when I didn’t eat til about 11am, but that was probably because my blood sugar was low (even though I’m not a diabetic)

Food Cravings, or Aversions to Foods

- I love me some Taco Bell peeps. I mean L O V E it. I cannot stand it. I had to force myself to eat it yesterday

Sensitivity to Aromas

- I work at a pizza place for my second job- all I could smell last night was the freaking olives (which I cannot stand). I seriously wanted to gag.

Morning Sickness

- Not yet

Heartburn and/or Constipation

- I always have heartburn, but constipation is not one of my regulars. You see I have no gallbladder (hence no bile storage place), so I get ehhem, frequent colon cleasings quiet easily (everytime I eat). Not so much these days

Mood Swings and Irritability

- Um, I’m always like this

Higher body temperature

- I took it last night & I was 98.0. So I don’t think that’s too high

Low Back Pain

- Nope

Implantation Bleeding

- Nope

A Positive Pregnancy Test

- Not testing til next Sunday

Bloating and Weight Gain

- Well I don’t know if the weight gain is because I’m a fat ass, but I definately have some bloating.

So that’s pretty much it in a nutshell.  I’m 7 days past my IUI & I should be either 6 or 7DPO.  I peed on a OPK last night & it showed nothing.  Of course, if I’m knocked up I wouldn’t have enough HCG in my system yet anyways.  This next week is going to kill me.  Luckily, I have to work my ass off & read a book before I start back to school.  Also, one of my best friends from high school is home from Nashville this weekend- so I get to hang out with her.  And lets not forget, I’m gonna be spending a glorious weekend on the beach in Jersey- in a month.  I’m so freakin excited!!!!!

  So I would now be 5 to 6DPO.  I had the trigger shot at 2pm on Friday the 25th.  36 hrs from then would be 2am on Sunday the 27th, but I could’ve popped the egg on Saturday night because I was feelin’ the pains.  I’ve been telling myself that I would not worry about this- I’d just take my medicine & test on the 11th- 15 days after the IUI.  Yeah right, I’ve been obessing over every little symptom the past few days & well you might as well too.

So here it goes- but I must remind you that I’m taking Progesterone, which is produced by the placenta when pregnant to keep the pregnancy going.  I’m on 200mg 3x a day, so some of these symptoms could be from that & I am being real with myself on that front.

• Peeing like crazy.  Yesterday for example, I peed every 2 hours it seemed like.  And that morning, every time I went to pee- it was like I had just woke up.  I didn’t have a thing to drink until 11:30 yesterday
• Sore boobs.  This could be from the Progesterone, but I still have these sharp pains that shoot through my right boob all day & they just hurt.
• Sensitive nipples.  This could also be frome the Progesterone, but the damn things just stand at attention all day & all night.  Plus, I can’t stand for anything to touch them- kinda tough when you wear a bra all day….
• Blue veins on my boobs.  This is a common EPS, but I’d never experienced it.  They are definately noticable- I’m not straining or imagining them to be there.  Jonathan saw them last night.

So that’s pretty much it in a nutshell.  I’m still not testing until the 11th (which is going to kill me), but I just don’t wanna get my hopes up.  I just wanted this to work right off the bat & I know that’s unrealistic.  I mean, if it’s something bad it’ll happen to me.  Always does.

On a much lighter note, I’m off to Jersey again this summer.  I didn’t know this until last night, but it’s my girl Stazy’s graduation party & I couldn’t pass that up.  Jonathan was a tad bit pissed, but I assured him we could afford it & if this doesn’t work, I’ll need it.  I also got a new phone yesterday- a lovely BlackBerry Pearl.  Seriously, I think I’m in love.  One drawback, I can’t figure out how to Bluetooth ringtones- I have to have them sent to me in a text message & save from there.  Once I get that down pat (because I know it can be done…..), I’m good to go.

  Now I just hope that it sticks.  Well I guess I don’t really know if I’ve been fertilized but I have been inseminated.  The IUI happened yesterday & I’ve been pretty much on bedrest (by my own orders) for the past 2 days.  I haven’t enjoyed it much because since I’ve told myself I can’t get up- that’s all I want to do.  I don’t have to be on bedrest, but since it’s the weekend & it isn’t gonna hurt- I’ll continue on with it.

I went on Friday to get my estrogen blood work & ultrasound.  I’m proud to report I had one lovely follicle measuring 26mm (at least that’s what it said on the screen) on my right ovary.  My estrogen matched up, so I got the HcG shot on Friday afternoon.  That meant that 36 hours afterwards, I was gonna ovulate.  The IUI was on for Saturday afternoon & I was so excited.

Jonathan had to make his deposit in the cup at my grandma’s house- very weird, but we needed the sperm to be in liquid form so Dr. Martin could wash it right away when he got it.  We drove to the office & handed over a vial that hopefully contained our future child.  While Dr. Martin was washing the sperm, we went to the mall & hung out.  We had a pretty good time, but I was nervous because I didn’t want to be late getting back to the office.  We were a little late thanks to Memphis traffic, but all was well.

The IUI wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  It was basically just like a pap smear, except I got inseminated.  Dr. Martin got everything set up & asked Jonathan if he wanted to do the insemination.  He looked at me & I said that it was up to him.  So, he decided to be the one to do it.  Dr. Martin let him know to push the syringe in slower that he thought he should go & Jonathan did just fine.  He later told me that it made him feel better because he was the one to actually knock me up if we do get pregnant this cycle.

I got my scrip for progesterone & off we went.  I promptly went back to my grandma’s & my butt stayed on the couch.  The only time I got up was to pee & go to bed.  I felt the O pains last night late, so I’m pretty sure that I O’d when I was supposed to.  Now the waiting game begins.  I started my progesterone today & I have to take it 3 times a day.  Dr. Martin warned that it will make me sleepy, but it’s much easier to take the pills rather than deal with the vaginal suppositories……

I’m pretty tired today & I know that it’s from the progesterone.  I’ve been really good about staying off my feet & not lifting anything heavy.  I let my boss at Pizza 4 Less know that I won’t be able to lift anything heavy & she said that was fine.  I’m nervous that it’s not gonna work, but you never know til you try.  We’re just gonna take it easy & if it happens we’ll be ecstatic- if it doesn’t, we’ll be disappointed & go after it again.  I’ll be updating everyday on my E/IPS, so keep coming back!!!

  It’s almost time for my IUI.  In fact, it will probably happen on Saturday.  I’m so freakin’ excited!!!!  I can’t fathom that after almost four years of trying, I’m finally gonna have a chance to have another baby.  I’m getting so nervous & scared, but I’m going to get through it.

I had the weirdest cycle ever leading up to this.  I ended up have a period all of 8 hours…….  Yep, just 8 hours of bleeding.  I was scared that they would delay my cycle, but Dr. Martin felt that it was enough to get going.  I finished my clomid on Sunday & it’s really thrown me for a loop this time.  I took it for 7 months straight in 2006.  I didn’t think it affected me that much, other than really bad headaches.  Apparently, I was wrong.  This time around I had hot flashes & severe mood swings.  I could’ve cried at the drop of a hat for no reason at all or ripped your head off for the same.

I’ve been using OPK’s for the past few days, looking for that holy grail called the LH surge.  I don’t know why I’m even wasting my time because I’m gonna get a HCG trigger shot on Friday- well as long as my sonogram & blood work match up.  I’ll get to see how many follicles I have.  I’ve only had one of those sono’s before & it’s pretty cool to see your ovaries in action.  If I have more than 3, Dr. Martin will cancel the cycle.  He doesn’t want me to have quads & quite frankly I don’t either.

I’ve been having dreams lately that I’m pregnant with triplets.  This actually scares me just a bit.  I’ve always said that if I had 3, it’d be great because I’d be done- seeing as how we want 4 kids.  I’m now realizing that would never work.  You see, I just bought a new vehicle a month ago & it would only have room for twins & Shelby.  I couldn’t trade this vehicle in (nor do I want to) & I’m really worried that I’m gonna have triplets.

I realize that this is a very irrational fear, but when your mind is clouded with hormones anything is possible.  I’m also very nervous about the trigger shot.  Sue (Dr. Martin’s nurse) asked me if I knew anyone that could give it to me.  I said no because I honestly don’t have anyone that could give it to me without instruction.  I don’t know if the clinic will do it for me or not.  I hope so, I can just imagine my retarded ass fucking it up.  The damn thing is $110 a pop, so I can’t afford a fuck up.

This is all happening so fast & I really wish I would’ve savored it a bit more.  I mean as horrible as all the hormones are, this is what I’ll have to go through every time I want to have another child.  I just hope it works on the first shot.  I figured up that if the IUI is on Saturday, I’d be due on Jan 17th.  I’ll also test on May 11th- which is Mother’s day.  This is very deja vu for me.  You see, when I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I found out on May 10th 2003.  The day before Mother’s day that year.  I find it very eerie that this is coinciding with my current IUI cycle.  Maybe it’s for the best.  How weird would it be to find out 5 years later that I was pregnant again & what could top that Mother’s day present?!

I’ll keep you updated on all the goings on Friday.  I have a full day of poking & prodding, but hopefully it’ll result in a baby!!!!

  So you’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been.  Well this gives you a bit of a clue.  You see, my broke ass had to get a second job.  With a few connections, I got this sweet gig.  Makin’ pizza dough isn’t so bad, but it does pretty much consume all of my free time.

I work from 7am to usually 10pm Mon-Wed.  Yeah, you read that right.  15 straight hours of working will get to ya.  Not to mention taking classes & raising a kid to boot.  I can’t complain too much though, I do get every other weekend off.  It’s a pretty easy job because I can set my own hours & all I do is make the dough.  I don’t have to mop or help with making the pizzas.  I’ve been doing it for 3 weeks now & have developed a bit of a routine.

I’m not the only one working my ass off- Jonathan has gotten a part-time job too.  So this means that we pretty much see each other for about 2 hours a day & a little on the weekends.  He works weekend nights, so that if he gets overtime at Monroe he can still work it.  I like the fact that both of us get to still watch all of Shelby’s games & she really doesn’t have to spend too much time at his parents because we work almost opposite schedules on the weekends.  So we’re working our asses off & counting the money.  Maybe one day we’ll be able to enjoy it……………

  Well so much for the worrying about going into menopause.  I’ve got a little action down there, so we’ll see what the doc says tomorrow.  Hopefully I can get on with all this shit & make a damn baby!!!!!

I’m feeling a little better now than I have in a few days.  The funk I was in is lifting (amazing what a period can do huh?) & I’m getting to a better place.  I know that I will become a mother again & I’m learning to just go with the flow of things.  I’m pretty lucky to have Shelby & I need to stop taking that for granted (well I don’t but ya know what I mean…….)

On to other things, I’m slowly dying.  Well maybe that’s a bit too dramatic, but this working two jobs thing is killing me…….  I’m so tired, who knew making pizza dough would do that to ya?  I wish I had a set schedule at my part-time job.  I’m supposed to work Mon-Wed & every other weekend.  Well apparently, the owner thinks I’m gonna work every night- not gonna happen.  It’s bad enough that I can’t get there til 6 Mon-Wed & I’m working my ass off til 10.  I’m always behind b/c they’ve used most of the dough up by the time I get there.  The other night, they were out of dough 30 mins after I walked in.  That wasn’t time enough for the dough to rise, so it was hard to work with & as soon as I made a pan, they took it.

But as bad as it is, I can’t quit it.  We need the money & even though I’ve worked two jobs longer than Jonathan, it wouldn’t be fair for him to work all the time & me not.  He hates his job too, but he puts up with it.  Plus, I just signed Shelby up for the swim team & I’ll need to rob a small country to pay for it…..  Why the hell is it $100 for the damn registration?!  I knew I’d probably gotten in over my head when the lady doing the registrations was wearing Coach sunglasses.  That would be 2 weeks at my second job for that one pair…….  Why wasn’t a born a rich gal?

Well I’m off for the night because my kid’s a callin & so is The DaVinci Code.  Yeah , I know I’m like 5 years behind on reading it but I’ve been busy so shoot me.  Let’s just hope that my bleeding picks up & I’m really a go on this stuff this time……….

It’s always something with me. Nothing can ever come easy & to be honest I’m quite fucking tired of it. Today, I believe the only reason I didn’t hit rock bottom is because I had to work- at both my jobs…. (more on that later). I still have not gotten a period. Yep, you read that right- a whole month on the damn Provera & 2 weeks after stopping it I’m still barren. Dr. Martin decided on Tuesday that I needed to get some blood work done, so I went to my family practice doctor instead of driving to Memphis.

The routine was the same, as it is with all women experiencing infertility, I let them know what arm was best & a tube of blood was gone from me. Good thing I handle needles well, because I’d be up shit creek going through all this infertility stuff. I expected everything to be okay & we’d go from there. Boy was I wrong.

Sue (Dr. Martin’s nurse) called me this morning to let me know my results. Of course, I was at work but this turned out to be a blessing. You see, my estrogen & progesterone were very low. PRE MENOPAUSAL low. Yeah, menopausal as in no period. WHAT THE FUCK? I’M FUCKING 27 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!! This was not the obstacle I was gonna have to over come. Why in the hell can’t I get a goddamn break?! I was floored by this. Luckily, I was at work so I didn’t have the opportunity to lose my shit & now I’m too tired too cry (well I won’t be when Jonathan gets home….).

I have to get more blood work this coming Tuesday & Sue didn’t sound too worried. She said that I could’ve been ovulating when I had the blood work done & that’s why they were low. She didn’t give me the exact numbers & I was too numb to ask. Good thing because I’d be googling my freakin heart out right now. All I want is to have another child & I can’t do that. My body is just refusing to cooperate. I just don’t know why…….